Sunday, April 28, 2002
Why do I always try and sound philosophical while I write here? I know that no great truths are being discovered, but at the same time, I feel like anyone could be reading this and I think a part of me wants to come off as at least semi-intelligent when talking about relevant issues. It always seems that every time I start to write here a little voice in my head spins whatever I was going to write into some slightly higher pitched voice, where every comment seems like a calculated stance on an issue, even if I just want to just write about nothing at all. I'm pretty sure that I don't come off this way when I am writing a paper for school (granted there have not been that many) but here, in an open forum, where anything I write, or anyone I say something about can come back to me in the days, months, years ahead, I feel compelled to write like a philosopher, even if I have no idea how "a philosopher" should write. And I probably comment on some aspect of this all too often as well, and even when I don't outright say it, I wonder who actually cares about what I am writing, who is reading it, and does it effect them in any way? Or is it just a good exercise for me, to get in the habit of expressing myself after living the first many years of my life like one of those bottles with the ships in it. Somehow the ship gets in, but like my feelings all too often previously, they never come out. Somehow so much just got locked up inside of me, even when I was convincing myself that I was letting them out in some fashion, be they through talking to a therapist or through the use of a "trouble tree" a la one of the many Chicken Soup for the Soul books given to me by my mom. I convinced myself that I wasn't storing feelings away and that they couldn't hurt me as they had others because they were no longer there. But reflecting back now, I think they were, and some still are. It's hard not to always have someone around to talk about everything. Those of you know who you are, or at least have an idea. I think I'm understanding myself better now, and I try hard to just let everything out, and writing certainly helps, but I don't want to have a post like this every day. I would be left with no readership I think : ). Well, I've certainly digressed a little, but I think I am just not always capable of writing a "story" without having to step back and analyze it. This may be a result of a scientific mind, or rather something completely different which I don't understand.


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