Festival of Winds
Emmy and Gaby
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Three Hail Marys
It's always interesting to hear the intimate things people will confess when guaranteed anonymity. Startling though is the fact that an incredibly large number of these confessions are sexual in nature. Just in browsing through grouphug its seems that 60-70% of all the confessions are because someone had sex with someone they shouldn't have or some variation on that theme. Although this in itself shows a disturbing trend in what we consider to be the worst offenses we have committed, the more shocking aspect is the fact that almost none of the confessions involved hurting someone else on an emotional level that didn't include sex in some way, shape or form. More people talk about pets they've done something bad to than people. Now as much as I'd like to look at this positively and say that it is a sign that people aren't treating each other in this manner, the sad truth is that they are. We all do things that bring others down and hurt people in ways we may not even realize at the time. Unfortunately, it appears that in our minds these are not the things that come to the front when asked to "confess". We are all guilty of this in our own way, and I know I am right up there among the people who don't talk about things of this nature. If I don't consciously go back and think about what I said throughout the day I know that so much goes over my head. When I do end up spending my evening hours in a bit of soul searching I realize things I could have done or should have done, but didn't and often these things end up unsaid or forgotten. Maybe its time to stop letting that happen and to start just doing what I need to do to not cause hurt and to not feel like confessions are going unsaid to the people who most deserve to hear them. I'm not looking for absolution for what I've done, just acceptance for who I am.
Every once in a while though there is someone brave enough to really disclose everything they are thinking such as the author of the following confession from group hug:
I hate people. I get easily annoyed and dissapointed with them when they do something that I don't think is good enough, or don't give me enough attention, or are lazy. However, I constantly don't bother doing things as good as other people want from me, I ignore people, I constantly dissapoint my father, I don't want to go to work or college. I hate the thought of people I know in relationships being happy. I constantly pick my nose, I masturbate almost dayly. I've masturbated over thoughts and pictures of women I know, including a second cousin, ex girlfriends, friends and people I've randomly met, but never the girl I mention at the end of this confession. I pick on people and often have no regard for their feelings, yet I'm so sensitive that I get upset at the slightest hint of someone making fun at my expense. I hate my dad's girlfriend so much that whenever she's over here I just ignore her, they've now split up and blame it on me (my sister claims she hates her as much as I do but is always nice to her). I've wasted three years of my life by screwing up college because I hated it and wanted to bum around indoors all day instead. I'm currently in the second year of a new course and hate it, even though I love the subject and am good at it and can't actually work out why I hate it. All I want to do in life is watch TV, surf the internet and chat on IRC. I lie about stupid things and then wonder why I did it. I'm two-faced, I slag people off behind their back. I'm a hypocrite. I tell the few friends I have lies so that I can go home and do nothing instead of going out with them. I pushed away most of the friends I've had over the years and whenever I see them I pretend I don't see them and just walk away. I hate people who take drugs and when I'm around them I want to get away. Apart from a few who I made friends with. When I was younger I had a girlfriend who still lives across the road from me, I hated her younger brother so much that whenever I saw him I wanted to punch him in the face really really hard. I always kept my hands in my pockets around him. I always wanted to do the same to a cat that belonged to her friend, I love cats and all animals though and would never harm them, I own several cats myself.
Most of all, around seven years ago I met a girl whom I couldn't stop thinking about. When I was around her I did stupid things that made her hate me. I suspect that she'd have hated me anyway but I'm not 100% sure. For the past seven years I've thought about her every single day. I went to the same school and then college as her for five years. Between school and college I turned from a loudmouth into a shy person, and for two years I never even spoke to her even though I would see her nearly every day. I haven't seen her now for two years, I dream about her at least once a week (never anything erotic). Not a day goes by where I don't think about her and wish I'd meet her again. This whole thing has caused me to mess up four relationships and several would-be relationships. It has also affected me in that since I realised I will most likely never see her again, I cannot look another female (besides my sister and grandmother) in the face.
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Happy Mole Day! I miss the tiny little sticky moles with lab goggles that they used to give out at Northwestern.
Dreaming you have a 20 page history paper and presentation due tomorrow which you haven't started yet is never fun. At least part of my brain knew I had work to do cause it wouldn't let me stay and eat at Jack-In-The-Box (making the girl behind me in the line there happy). Somewat offbeat, and not much detail but thats whats left after my demon's repeated snooze attacks.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Artfully punny in its simplicity as a title, it also acurately describes the two things that seem to need addressing. I realize the lateness of the hour, but its not like Im ringing anyone up now to chat, so bear with me. Anyway, to start with the lesser of two evils, I need to update here more frequently. I know I've been away for the past 2 and a half week, but I do nee d to be writing here more cause I feel better when I do, which in a way addresses the other meaning of the title. I'm not feeling that way now, and I want that to change, so that needs to happen now. Yes, this is vague and unspecified, but its a start and much more should be written probably, but instead I'm gonna get to bed. Waking up fresh is a good way to revamp.
Sunday, October 12, 2003
A good day in college football with both Northwestern and USC winning their respective football games. After the game it was a fun filled night of moving all of Dan's furniture around as we attempted to loft his bed. Tomorrow we get to ride up the coast on the side thats a little less dangerous. Definitely nice to be in the US and riding on the right side of the street.
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Everybody needs a trojan
At USC again. Saturday afternoon, with only a few hours before USC faces off against Stanford. Spent my last few days in LA chilling here at my bros and at Eric's- went out to Ago last night with them and my mom and finished the night off with a Scream marathon thanks to Danny owning the trilogy. Now its my last night in LA before we head up the Pacific Coast Highway.
Monday, October 06, 2003
Im out in LA. Staying at Eric's and its a good time so far. Got in Friday night, and after dropping off my stuff at his place, Eric, Jenny, Liz, and I took off for the House of Blues where Big Bad Voodoo Daddy was playing that evening. Thanks to knowing the DJ who was spinning upstairs we got to chill upstairs in the VIP section and watched the concert with full surround sound in a giant screening room, while still feeling the floor shake from below. The balcony there also afforded an amazing view of the city, although it is a lot more spread out than I realized as I found out the next day. Saturday morning Eric and I drove out to see Boots, Eric's highschool friend, and after an hour of not being able to find the Iowa/Michigan game on TV or radio we gave up and headed out to see Rundown in the theatre. That evening after a home cooked meal the three of us headed over to some more friends for an evening of the high stakes drug trading card game- Grass, and watching Jack Black on SNL. Sunday was another day at the movies as we saw School of Rock, with the aforementioned Jack Black. It was a great film, really well done and I was totally impressed. Then it was some grocery shopping and a chill afternoon as it was a bit chilly to head out to the beach and toss around a disc which had been the previous plan. As tomorrow is a workday no late night outings tonight, so we are just here getting ready for bed soon enough.